1. “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
  2. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  3. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  4. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
  5. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  6. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  7. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
  8. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  9. “More hay, Trigger?” “No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!”
  10. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  11. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  12. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  13. What is a “free” gift ? Aren’t all gifts free?
  14. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  16. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  17. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  18. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  19. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  20. I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
  21. All generalizations are false.
  22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  23. “Criminal Lawyer” is redundancy.